Playlist/Bingo: War on Drugs

Playlist/Bingo: War on Drugs

There were times I understood his choice. When I left another home, ran another time. When all I could see in my future was the freezer and wanted any fate but that.

Mostly, though, I remembered how broken our mother’s eyes were when I finally made it home. I remembered how everything he’d built was shattered with the bullet. I remembered how it didn’t stop the company from taking what it wanted.

There was no one, then, to miss me. I’d left everyone, and I was sure my mother had already buried me beside him in her mind. And by then, I’d already lost. If I’d given up, given in, there wouldn’t be as many ripples. But there are always ones you can’t see, especially when that pull gets strong enough to blind you. I still stumble across the ones tossed by my brother’s loss. Though I’d never wanted to, I’d wound up tying myself to a greater purpose, just as he had, where we became more than just ourselves and reached people we would never know.

I was too afraid of those unknown ripples, what they might touch, and if they’d reach as far as his. Was too afraid of what the company might do without me there. Was too afraid of what they’d done without him. All that fear, because I had lived through his choice. In the end, my brother’s ghost saved my life.

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